5 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Hurtful

It became very successful. A lot of people commented and a lot of people shared and big grown-up websites who get paid to post smart grown-up things asked me if they could copy/paste it, ostensibly to make a bunch of advertising money off people acting like assholes in their comment sections. I said, sure, why not?

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(I know, sell out.)

But the post also helped a lot of people. Since writing it, it’s generated a staggering amount of thank you emails, and no less than 20 people notified me that it inspired them to end their relationships (or even in a few cases, their marriages). It was the wake up call these people needed to finally let go and accept that their relationship was gagging them with a shit-spoon every day. And they deserved better.

(So I guess I’m a home-wrecker and a sell out. Sweet.)

But the article also elicited a lot of questions like, “So if these habits ruin a relationship, what habits create a happy and healthy relationship?” and “Where’s an article on what makes a relationship great?” and “Mark, how did you get so handsome?”

These are important questions. And they deserve answers.

Granted, I have far more experience screwing up relationships than making them work well, but I still wanted to take a stab at a “healthy relationship” post. I didn’t want to just make it a (yet another) “learn to communicate and cuddle and watch sunsets and play with puppies together” type post. You can find those posts just about everywhere. And honestly, those posts suck. If you love your partner, you shouldn’t have to be told to hold hands and watch sunsets together. This stuff should be automatic.

I wanted to write something different. I wanted to write about issues that are important in relationships but don’t receive enough airtime. Things like the role of fighting, hurting each other’s feelings, dealing with dissatisfaction or feeling the occasional attraction for other people. These are normal, everyday relationship issues that don’t get talked about because it’s far easier to talk about puppies and sunsets instead.

Puppies are cute but they don't make a healthy relationship
Puppies: The ultimate solution to all of your relationship problems.

And so I wrote this article. This is the first article’s bizarre twin brother. That article explained that many of our culture’s tacitly accepted relationship habits secretly erode intimacy, trust and happiness. This article explains how traits that don’t fit our traditional narrative for what love is and what love should be are actually necessary ingredients for lasting relationship success.

Enjoy.

1. LETTING SOME CONFLICTS GO UNRESOLVED

There’s this guy. His name is John Gottman. And he is like the Michael Jordan of relationship research. Not only has he been studying intimate relationships for more than 40 years, but he practically invented the field.

Gottman devised the process of “thin-slicing” relationships, a technique where he hooks couples up to all sorts of biometric devices and then records them having short conversations about their problems. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame looking at biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data together to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.

His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years — a staggeringly high result for any psychological research. His method went on to be featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s bestselling book Blink. Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy and the science of trust.

The point is, when it comes to understanding what makes long-term relationships succeed, John Gottman will slam-dunk in your face and then sneer at you afterwards.

And the first thing Gottman says in almost all of his books is this: The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.

In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for 40+ years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.

People like to fantasize about "true love." But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don't like.
People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like.

Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.

The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the most optimal relationship strategy is one of “live and let live.”

2. BEING WILLING TO HURT EACH OTHER’S FEELINGS

My girlfriend is one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and I love for her to look amazing too (obviously).

Nights before we go out, she always comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad. She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.

When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.

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Men stereo-typically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.

Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.

When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.

It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: values, needs and trust.

If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.

These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another.

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3. BEING WILLING TO END IT

Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any romantic movie and I’ll show you a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being in love with someone.

The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.

Shut up and jump already.

Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and how irrational romantic beliefs can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents. But somehow we look at this story as romantic. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who are abusive or negligent, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into imaginary martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”

Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.

“Shoot myself to love you; if I loved myself I’d be shooting you.”

– Marilyn Manson

“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.

4. FEELING ATTRACTION FOR PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP

Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Being in love is like a cult where you’re supposed to prefer drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide to letting your thoughts wander to whether other religions may be true too.

As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. Not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, but it’s a biological inevitability.

What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.

This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.

But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.

When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).

People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and become blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?

Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.

When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why, out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.

When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?

What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.

 

5. SPENDING TIME APART

Crazy girlfriend is not in a healthy relationship

You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.

When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.

The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.

It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.

The artist Alex Grey once said that, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.

It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.

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Decision Making Guide: How to Make Smart Decisions and Avoid Worst Decision that Will Affect Our Life

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What is Decision Making?

Let’s define decision making. A decision can be defined as a course of action purposely chosen from a set of alternatives to achieve organizational or managerial objectives or goals. Decision making process is continuous and indispensable component of managing any organization or business activities. Decision making is just what it sounds like: the action or process of making decisions. Sometimes we make logical decisions, but there are many times when we make emotional, irrational, and confusing choices. This page covers why we make poor decisions and discusses useful frameworks to expand your decision-making toolbox.

Why We Make Poor Decisions

Tim Ferriss shares a line by one of his mentors in which I feel sets the tone for why this topic is an incredibly important one. His mentor said, “Easy decisions make for a hard life. Hard decisions make for an easy life.” It had me reflecting on some of the decisions and choices I’ve had to make in recent times.

Decision making is one of the most laborious processes I know. For somethings, I can make decisions with relative ease, and for others, it can be a daunting task. I’ve made some excellent choices in life, some inferior ones, and at times when there are tough decisions to make I avoid them like the plague. Why?

I’m always inspired to research motivation and reasons behind why as it relates to how the journey of my life rolls out. How is it possible that by making hard decisions in life we can lead to an easier one? Why do we make poor decisions? In awareness and understanding perhaps I will be able to make wiser decisions moving forward.

In Dan Gilbert’s Ted Talk, titled “Why We Make Poor Decisions,” he shares an insightful formula as to how we calculate the expected value of something. This formula may help us better understand the reasons, errors and the why behind some of the decisions we make.

It was Daniel Bernoulli who apparently came up with this formula. He was an 18th-century Swiss mathematician known for his work on probability and statistics. The recipe looks like this, Expected value = Odds of gain + Value of gain. This relates to the actions or decisions we will likely make.

Here is how it works. If we can calculate the odds and value of any gain, we will be able to know might better how we will behave. For example, if in taking action the odds of something occurring is high and the value we attach to its occurrence is also high, we are likely to make a decision in favor of the action. If these elements are low, we will likely to make poor choices or none at all. At least this is my understanding of the formula.

According to Gilbert, there are a few reasons why people make bad decisions, and usually, it results from an error of judgement. What influences our ability to reason is our upbringing, conditioning, experiences and everything else we’ve been exposed to in life. That is the hard wiring of our brain, and it will affect how we calculate odds of gain and value. Emotions have an important role to play.

Gilbert also said that when we compare we may even make errors in judgment. Comparing is contextual to a particular experience. In one instance the odds may look favorable based on other positive elements occurring at the same time however in different contextual circumstances it may not be so.

There is the social comparison that effects our decisions and comparison to our experience. For example, many of our purchasing decisions are driven by social comparison. How will this make me look? Also, if we did or had something in the past that we remember as being good we might decide to purchase or do it again but this time be disappointed because the conditions were not the same.

These factors will contribute to either an overestimation or underestimation of odds and misrepresented perception of value.

Having experienced something more frequently in life, we will be in a better position to calculate the odds of it happening. For those things we are unfamiliar with it is more challenging to do this. For example, I can safely predict the odds of how good I will feel after going for a run in the morning, something I do a few times a week. On the other hand, waking up to go for a surf, something I’ve never done, will be more difficult to determine the expected value.

However, I can form assumptions based on my interactions with other surfers and their shared experiences and my knowledge that exercise and swimming in the ocean positively influence how I feel. In practice, I will be better able to calculate the odds. It reinforces to me why it is important to experiment and try things in life before ruling out possibilities that may lead to regret.

If we can easily see that the gain of something happening is more likely to occur because it has been something we’ve been more heavily exposed to or experienced, that will increase the overall expected value and the motivation to act. However, the odds of gain are based less on calculated fact and more so driven by emotions. In my experience, even with hard evidence, emotion usually overrules.

According to Lisa Feldman-Barrett, the theory that emotions are hard-wired is flawed. She proposes the constructionist theory which states that emotions are learned and built over a lifetime of experiences. Neuroscience research has found that emotions result from numerous brain networks working in tandem and influenced by “effect” – the mind and body relationships to stimuli.

As mammals, in life, we are influenced by the need to survive. To do this, we seek to fulfil our fundamental needs that are purposeful to our survival. Reward and punishment drive our actions. The brain functions as an efficiency tool. To help us remember what is good or bad and hence improve our ability to survive. The issue is that it is not necessarily always right.

The brain, now filled with pre-conditioned tendencies, will interact with the external environment and how the body feels to produce emotions, either positive or negative. Emotion will powerfully motivate our decisions, and how well we determine the odds of gain and value of gain despite evidence or fact, that may suggest otherwise.

How many times do we do, say, eat, or think things that even against our best judgment we still proceed? When angry I may lash out violently, and yet I know it’s not the best solution. When tired or sad I eat unhealthy foods or drink despite my knowledge that such things are not suitable for me long-term. I buy something that I want in anticipation of how happy it will make me feel and yet a couple of days or hours later I’ve forgotten all about it. I realize that most of what I think I want is driven by perceived needs and that without it I wouldn’t be any worse off.

In summary, and this may sound obvious to many of you, emotions affect the quality of decisions we make in life. Emotions affect the quality of life. I believe that with increased awareness and growth in our knowledge we will be able to understand better how our emotions work and therefore how they direct our decisions. From there, may we all make better decisions and live a life with greater freedom, fulfillment and happiness.

I like to think of myself as a rational person and reasonable person, but I’m not one and I am not perfect. The good news is it’s not just me — or you. We are all irrational. For a long time, researchers and economists believed that humans made logical, well-considered decisions. In recent decades, however, researchers have uncovered a wide range of mental errors that derail our thinking. The articles below outline where we often go wrong and what to do about it.

  • 5 Common Mental Errors That Sway You From Making Good Decisions: Let’s talk about the mental errors that show up most frequently in our lives and break them down in easy-to-understand language. This article outlines how survivorship bias, loss aversion, the availability heuristic, anchoring, and confirmation bias sway you from making good decisions.
  • How to Spot a Common Mental Error That Leads to Misguided Thinking: Hundreds of psychology studies have proven that we tend to overestimate the importance of events we can easily recall and underestimate the importance of events we have trouble recalling. Psychologists refer to this little brain mistake as an “illusory correlation.” In this article, we talk about a simple strategy you can use to spot your hidden assumptions and prevent yourself from making an illusory correlation.
  • Two Harvard Professors Reveal One Reason Our Brains Love to Procrastinate: We have a tendency to care too much about our present selves and not enough about our future selves. If you want to beat procrastination and make better long-term choices, then you have to find a way to make your present self act in the best interest of your future self. This article breaks down three simple ways to do just that.

How to Use Mental Models for Smart Decision Making

The smartest way to improve your decision making skills is to learn mental models. A mental model is a framework or theory that helps to explain why the world works the way it does. Each mental model is a concept that helps us make sense of the world and offers a way of looking at the problems of life.

You can learn more about mental models, read how Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman uses mental models, or browse a few of the most important mental models below.

Top Mental Models to Improve Your Decision Making

  • Margin of Safety: Always Leave Room for the Unexpected
  • How to Solve Difficult Problems by Using the Inversion Technique
  • Elon Musk and Bill Thurston on the Power of Thinking for Yourself

Best Decision Making Books

  • Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
  • Poor Charlie’s Almanack by Charles T. Munger
  • Seeking Wisdom by Peter Bevelin
  • Decisive by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

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Personal Continuous Improvement To Our Life: How It Works and How to Manage It?

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What is Continuous Improvement?

Let’s define continuous improvement. Continuous improvement is a dedication to making small changes and improvements every day, with the expectation that those small improvements will add up to something significant.

The typical approach to self-improvement is to set a large goal, then try to take big leaps in order to accomplish the goal in as little time as possible. While this may sound good in theory, it often ends in burnout, frustration, and failure. Instead, we should focus on continuous improvement by slowly and slightly adjusting our normal everyday habits and behaviors.

It is so easy to dismiss the value of making slightly better decisions on a daily basis. Sticking with the fundamentals is not impressive. Falling in love with boredom is not sexy. Getting one percent better isn’t going to make headlines.

There is one thing about it though: it works.

How Does Continuous Improvement Work?

So often we convince ourselves that change is only meaningful if there is some large, visible outcome associated with it. Whether it is losing weight, building a business, traveling the world or any other goal, we often put pressure on ourselves to make some earth-shattering improvement that everyone will talk about.

Meanwhile, improving by just 1 percent isn’t notable (and sometimes it isn’t even noticeable). But it can be just as meaningful, especially in the long run.

The power of tiny gains

In the beginning, there is basically no difference between making a choice that is 1 percent better or 1 percent worse. (In other words, it won’t impact you very much today.) But as time goes on, these small improvements or declines compound and you suddenly find a very big gap between people who make slightly better decisions on a daily basis and those who don’t.

Here’s the punchline:

If you get one percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done.

This is why small choices don’t make much of a difference at the time, but add up over the long-term.

For much more on this concept (and an example of a coach who used it achieve huge Olympic success), read this: This Coach Improved Every Tiny Thing by 1 Percent and Here’s What Happened.

Continuous Improvement Tools

Now, let’s talk about a few quick steps you can take right now to start focusing on continuous improvement.

Step 1: Do more of what already works

We often waste the resources and ideas at our fingertips because they don’t seem new and exciting.

There are many examples of behaviors, big and small, that have the opportunity to drive progress in our lives if we just did them with more consistency. Flossing every day. Never missing workouts. Performing fundamental business tasks each day, not just when you have time. Apologizing more often. Writing Thank You notes each week.

Progress often hides behind boring solutions and underused insights. You don’t need more information. You don’t need a better strategy. You just need to do more of what already works.

Step 2: Avoid tiny losses

In many cases, improvement is not about doing more things right, but about doing fewer things wrong.

This is a concept called improvement by subtraction, which is focused on doing less of what doesn’t work: eliminating mistakes, reducing complexity, and stripping away the inessential.

Here are some examples:

  • Education: Avoid stupid mistakes, make fewer mental errors.
  • Investing: Never lose money, limit your risk.
  • Web Design: Remove the on-page elements that distract visitors.
  • Exercise: Miss fewer workouts.
  • Nutrition: Eat fewer unhealthy foods.

In the real world, it is often easier to improve your performance by cutting the downside rather than capturing the upside. Subtraction is more practical than addition.

One of the best ways to make big gains is to avoid tiny losses.

Step 3: Measure backward

We often measure our progress by looking forward. We set goals. We plan milestones for our progress. Basically, we try to predict the future to some degree.

There is an opposite and, I think, more useful approach: measure backward, not forward.

Measuring backward means you make decisions based on what has already happened, not on what you want to happen.

Here are a few examples:

  • Weight Loss: Measure your calorie intake. Did you eat 3,500 calories per day last week? Focus on averaging 3,400 per day this week.
  • Strength Training: Oh, you squatted 250 pounds for 5 sets of 5 reps last week? Give 255 pounds a try this week.
  • Relationships: How many new people did you meet last week? Zero? Focus on introducing yourself to one new person this week.
  • Entrepreneurship: You only landed two clients last week while your average is five? It sounds like you should be focused on making more sales calls this week.

Measure backward and then get a little bit better. What did you do last week? How can you improve by just a little bit this week?

Step 4: Always Think Positive

Positive thinking is a mental and emotional attitude that focuses on the bright side of life and expects positive results. A person with positive thinking mentality anticipates happiness, health and success, and believes that he or she can overcome any obstacle and difficulty.

Always thinking positive even it hard times and challenging moments in life, business, career, and with the family have a great impact to once life and future. Think positive will bring you to success and tremendous change in life. Having a positive mindset and positive upbringing will surely make influence others specially those around you.

Step 5: Be Strong and Never Give Up

Never Give Up means believing in yourself. It means willingness to accept “failure” so you can learn the critical skill of adaptation. It means not compromising on your most important values, and walking the walk, rather than just talking the talk. It means living the life you want and are passionate about.

Being Strong means able to perform a specified action well and powerfully. Having a strong will personality makes you surpass hardships in life and keep the head high while the foot on the ground. Being strong does not give people the right to suppress other but instead to be the light and inspiration for other people. Strong will person have a good leadership treats.

Here are 8 effective ways to become more mentally strong:

  1. Focus on the moment.
  2. Embrace adversity.
  3. Exercise your mind.
  4. Challenge yourself.
  5. Respond positively.
  6. Be mindful.
  7. Don’t be defeated by fear.
  8. Be aware of self-talk.

Everything really relies to the person involved and it need great courage to keep on improving ourselves and to never say “I give up”.

Dear my husband, you’re the best thing in my life

Greet your loving, caring, and awesome husband with full of love and thankfulness.

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Credit to blogtamsu.com

Have You Talked To Your Virtual Assistants About Rogue One Yet?

Do you know what your virtual assistants do for fun?

Have you asked them about their interests?

Did you know that they paint, cook really well, or watch the same series and movies as you? A little something my friend bought for me from Japan. I still need to have it framed.

You are going to find out the most interesting things about your VA if you asked. They’ll be willing to share.

This is a habit that John (OnlineJobs.ph owner) has picked up over the years of working with us. He either asks us the fun stuff we’re up to recently, or we just openly share the information with him anyway.

I must admit, there was a time where it brought out paranoia. There was a time when I thought, oh my god, did I do something wrong? Why does he want to find out. Later on, I realized he just wanted to. He wanted to learn about his VA and the stuff I was interested in, and if it was something he found cool too, we would talk about it, and we would show off all the fun things we have about it.

dalek r2d2

Last week, John asked me about something I mentioned on my report. He asked me what a Dalek was. Well, the Daleks are only the most awesome and saddest villains of all time John!!! But really, according to Wiki, “the Daleks were engineered by the scientist Davros during the final years of a thousand-year war between his people, the Kaleds, and their enemies the Thals. With some Kaleds already badly mutated and damaged by nuclear war, Davros genetically modified the Kaleds and integrated them with a tank-like, robotic shell, removing their every emotion apart from hate. His creations soon came to view themselves as the supreme race in the universe, intent on purging the universe of all non-Dalek life.”

Watch the best Dalek moments here:

I’ve been crazy over this series for a while. I’ve been crazy over a lot of movies and series actually, and I like to buy stuff that remind me of these interests. Lately, I bought some Metal Works 3D Models and posted it on instagram. It’s a great hobby to start. You basically buy something that looks like this:

51odk47codL

And it transforms into this:

I made this all by myself. :)

When John saw it, he reacted the way no typical boss reacts. “It looks great. You should write about it.” He said. So here I am, playing with two of my toys, trying to get some inspiration for work.

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Prime Minister: Does it surprise you to know that Daleks have a concept of beauty?
The Doctor: I thought you’d run out of ways to make me sick. But hello again. You think hatred is beautiful?

Prime Minister: Perhaps that is why we have never been able to kill you.
R2D2: Beeeeeepp beeeeep dooot, wit wit doooooot!

It Doesn’t Have to Be an Awkward 1 on 1

You don’t have to schedule a call and start an interview. Go back to basics which is, your VA’s are humans. You can you know, talk to them. To make it easier for you, the new Star Wars movie Rogue One is showing. You’ll be surprised at how many Filipinos are crazy about Star Wars. In fact, we have Star Wars Fandoms everywhere.

If you think you have absolutely nothing in common because of the geographic differences, think again. I’m crazy about both Doctor Who and Star Wars, British and American legacies. And there are so many movies and series I watch, just like the other virtual assistants I know. So yeah, there’s bound to be something you can relate to. If not movies and series, then maybe the latest gadgets or food!

It’s as simple as that, start by asking about the newest show on air, or the new movie you want to watch. Who knows, you might be interested in the same things. You might get a better perception of how they do things, of what they are passionate about, of what makes them tick.

Why Do You Need to Talk to Your VA?

Talking with your virtual assistant doesn’t just make a better working relationship. You have to admit, there’s a point to the saying “Out of sight, out of mind.” Constant effort is necessary to remind yourself that hey, this is a real person. In return, your virtual assistant will also be reminded that I’m not just working for this email address or this business. There’s a person behind this business, and that person has a family, has friends, and bills he also has to pay for. He’s a real person like me. It reminds your staff, just like I am reminded, I don’t just want a business to succeed, I want this person, my boss to succeed.

 

You can register in the link here to sign up.

https://www.onlinejobs.ph/jobseekers/info/630796